Tuesday, 22 August 2017

The Conservation Society part 4



"I went to Turandot at the Royal Opera House Covent Garden not the performance I saw at Glynbourne a friend got me tickets sat in the nose bleeds but the stalls after the interval the National Theatre's got a few duds on at the moment darling my ticket for Glastonbury Festival hope they're backstage hope I'm back for the Lake District off to Chelsea for oysters for my party you coming mustn't forget the wine lodger left without paying the rent unemployed suing him only two weeks rent but it's the principal and he's Portuguese...."
Jake stared abstractly at Laurence, his dinner guest, sat before him in a high backed arm chair like a shrunken skull with a see-through bouffant and wondered whether melanoma was not the only thing white people were lacking. Jake had, once again chosen badly, his own life was in real danger, his cancer had returned, Disability Living Allowance had been stopped, an application for Personal Independence Payment rejected and his only other financial support ESA once again under review. Like many in the UK's hidden financial climate starvation and suicide threatened his reality.
Jake had dared a Facebook clarion-call for help on his wall.
'Vunerable right now. Life not going well. Need a friend'.
He had received a private post in his message box from a friend promising a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on.
"... Bournemouth she not being well for a while my mother brother and sister live too far away it's left to me we really never got on she's difficult not that my relationship is great with my siblings things are difficult don't know how I'm expected to get away to Europe this year and pay for the care home I'm not missing Avignon festival Peter Brook Mahabaratha of course you coming to the shaman gathering on Mikonos I'm a healer or so I'm told book on Mandala's coming on working to deadline exhausting..."
Jake excused himself and went to check on the casserole the ingredients of which he'd bought with the last money he might ever have.

Monday, 21 August 2017

The Conservation Society part 3


Between the first Facebook post announcing his death and his actual demise on the Arts and Crafts verandah of The Conservation Society, Arnold, now sunk in morose voyeurism as threads of comments kicked his existence into the past he lost the will to live, his virtual demise having eclipsed the rumour of his own reality.
Well before Arnold hung artfully arranged as a Jake and Dino Chapman in the garden of The Conservation Society not only had the Facebook post announcing, prematurely, Arnold's death not been taken down once it had been confirmed by his ex-wife who had seen him shuffling about like a trapped animal in the gloom of his flat through the letter-box; the announcement that he was indeed alive, Arnold noticed, received a reception so luke-warm as to be more devastating than being pronounced dead.
'Fuck, he couldn't even succeed at his own death'. Came one comment.

Great news?' Read another.
Most fell into virtual silence following his resurrection.
The Comedy fanzine, though it issued an apology for the distress caused to the erstwhile comedian, allowed not only the former life-rubishing posts connected to his departure to remain undeleted but also allowed a debate as to his age, 'actually, I 'm only fifty-seven' he said to no one.
'75, isn't he!'
'No, he wasn't 75, 70 more like'.
'Nah, he was over 80'.
Arnold did not know what was being indicated; none of the many commentators had thought to dial his landline or mobile phone to confirm for him or herself the rumour, or even after confirmation of life, knock at his door apart from the silhouette of his ex-wife through the frosted glass of the front door of his basement flat; what could this mean.
To say that Arnold felt bitterly betrayed was understatement. He felt keenly now that the world in which he had lent his affable if flawed personality, his talents, his class, his excellent manners, his time hosting events listed in the most cultured listing magazines in the country, his efforts, albeit behind the scenes, to make things generally nice for other people- had been rewarded with, clearly, and Arnold scrolled once again through weeks of comments, had been rewarded with collective malicious joy at the moment of his 'death', his resurrection followed by the worst coup de grace or nail in the coffin; total indifference.

The Conservation Society part 2


After Arnold had gotten word of his own death things could only go down hill. He wasn't even Ill; one day he settled before his computer screen, opened social media and scrolled through a veritable flood of tributes and reminisces from people who crawled out of his present and distant past to fill comment boxes on Facebook and Twitter. On his own Facebook wall he read 57 RIPs, from well-wishers, and counting.
While Arnold made himself a filter coffee in his East Dulwich basement flat bought at a time when property was cheaper and the area he lived in comfortably 'down-to-earth' and not yet apeing a village in Provence, with it's bijou cafes, power-mummies and the children Tabitha Taser and Tarquin Taser, and passive-agressive high-achievers but a working class borough of South-East London - for an instance the edges of his own physical being shuddered, momentarily, as though, like the famous man prodded by a million fingers of a million admirers, eventually liquifying him, in one single day Arnold had begun, in his mind's eye, to move out of focus.
In the 1980s and 1990s, sets and subsets had merged, each seeking in each other a supposed move up some imaginary social ladder. The Brockley set found parity with the Greenwich crowd, the Greenwich with the East Dulwich, the East Dulwich with the Camberwell Grove set; however, none could quite penetrate the hallowed higher ground and higher financial status of Blackheath and Dulwich Village.
Like interlocking and interchangeable electric eels in a selective soup, the groups mingled and merged in a number of mind-bogglingly self-selective crush zones; comedy clubs, poetry cellars, Eastern European Gypsy Evenings, Bread Tasting Garden parties, concerts, festivals, out of the way restaurants and distinguished one from the other, seasonally, to mark oneself out from the crowd that saw itself selective and which, unlike Scandinavia was bound together, in the main, by the wrong kind if snow.
Rock n Roll deaths were not uncommon and following in the wake, and at the actual wake, of one who had overdosed on narcotics it was not uncommon to find traces of the very same narcotic, in specks and lines around at the location at which the bereaved gathered in a chorus of sniffles and shuffling which had little to do with tears. An alcoholic demise was invariably celebrated in the pub which had merrily contributed to the wet-brained death of the recent cause-celebre and on online fanzines the wider community, in a jamboree of schadenfreude, put the boot in. 'Failing comedian, wasn't he!' 'Last gig terrible, no act, drunk', 'Arsehole! 'thought he died years ago'. At the near-end of their own failed careers it seemed Arnold, as an alternative comedian had somehow slipped from being laughed with to being himself the object of ridicule. 'Loser!'. Comedy fanzines high-lighted his contribution to comedy greats and even credited him, in his day with being the originator of a whole genre but, in the same breath they, strangers and some so-called friends and acquaintances alike knitted at the guillotine of his alleged death. 'Fucking talentless pisshead', a former friend and club promoter wrote.
In the beginning someone had posted an enquiry, an enquiry that hinted heavily at death as reason for online absence, albeit a brief one, and within two comment boxes of the original text Arnold went from present tense to past tense; that someone who ad written the insidious post had followed a young lady to her European homeland, broken the umbilical cord to his London gang in a shower of confetti, only to, months after separate and divorce, finding himself an exile d'amour, in Lichtenstein. In exile he had sought to elevate his own miserable series of disastrous romances and take a shot in the dark enquiring after one of the gang who showed, early on, public signs of hubris and addiction in equal measure to constitute an ingredient for career suicide in a distant future it was now ripe to inquire into.
'Where's Arnold? Haven't seen him around?. Has anyone heard from him?'

'What's happened?!'

'Heard he was dead'

This short flourish of Facebook posts Arnold himself had observed in horror, were to be the catalyst, from which a death-by-a-thousand-pernicious-needles would lead to...well, his actual death on the Arts and Crafts verandah on The Conservation Society's sofa.
Seated with his coffee he scrolled from the first genuine snow drift of concern to the full annihilating avalanche, from queries, to conjecture, from uncertainty to confirmation and dead-certainty in the blink of an eye; dead, here being the operative word.
Arnold thought of going out but paused, he had noticed that his local organic greengrocer had joined the speculative fray along with the landlord of his local pub, with a litany of condolences and somehow, later that day and later in the week and following months, each time his spirits failed him at his front door, his coat half on, his keys dangling from his right hand.